My room smells like vodka and shame
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
