i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
