im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
