Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
