if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
