Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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