I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
