No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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