I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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