Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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