Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
