you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
