Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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