I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
