My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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