She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
