I'm so fucking centered right now
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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