you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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