i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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