The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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