I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
