Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I would fuck him just for his dog
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
