hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
