I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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