Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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