My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
