we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
