Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
