I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
