I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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