Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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