Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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