if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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