Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
