If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
