I feel great
I just peed on a car
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just pee around me
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
