Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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