drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
