we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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