Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
