a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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