Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
