YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
