I wish I could teleport
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
