my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
