I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
