I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
What drink are we having for lunch?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
