Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
