My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
