Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
