paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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