Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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